New Year

The last time I posted it was July. I was three months out of a breakup with my long-term boyfriend, excited and sad all at the same time. Excited about new opportunities, and sad about the one big one I really wanted to pan out but didn't.

Its December 29th today, 3 days from next year and I feel pretty good. Its been an up and down year for me. Love, happiness, sadness, hope, challenge, self-awareness, and self-improvement. I still love him and realize that I probably always will. I also realized that you don't have to be with them to love them. So much about the ending of our relationship makes sense.

Another big milestone was my daughters' turning 16 and getting their driver licenses and dating. The first time I let them take the car it was the scariest time of my life but I am learning to let go...another theme of my year. Its slowly getting easier to see them go off by themselves but I still yearn for them to be little again, clinging to my legs and looking up at me with their smiles. Now they look down at me.

This was also a year where I started to battle some demons - finances and home organization. I am no longer coming out in the red each month and my house is being organized, one area at a time. I only have one big challenge left!

Weight loss was a goal like it was every year, and I did make many valient efforts. I started on the Couch to 5K program post break up and got all the way to week 4. I felt really good. I got a home treadmill from Raine's bf's mom for free. Although I had all this, I have not reached any goals in this department.

1. This years goals are to really concentrate on being healthy. Weight loss is key. I have one year left until I am 35.
2. Work hard at paying down my debt and establishing a savings account.
3. Complete some home maintenance - siding and make some repairs.
4. Maintain the progress that I have completed this year with good financial decisions, impulse control, and home organization.

Here is to another year of putting up the good fight and reaping all the rewards.

Who knows, might even find love again.

Kristine

A new day a new post

I remember now why it took me 8 years to get back into the dating game. Breaking up sucks and when you truly invested yourself in and loved someone else for multiple years, when its over it f'n sucks. Although I tend to make it through the days just fine, its the evenings and nighttimes that are the worst. I cry alot. We still talk some, and everytime we talk I feel that he is blowing me off. That only makes it worse. Of course, now he has this girl who has unfortunately not an ounce of self-respect moving herself into his place and throwing herself at him (she's been doing that for years) and it just makes it so hard. She is downright pathetic, cleaning his house, spending money on him, doing anything he wants. You should hear the way he talks about her and how he has talked in the past about her. It makes me think less of him as a person for treating someone that way.

I miss Taz, his dog. I love that little guy. I miss seeing his family. I think its been worse lately because I think about all the holidays I will miss out on. The Fourth of July is this weekend and we always had a few things to do every year. Last 4th of July out at his grandpa's farm we had 3D glasses, it was fun. It kills me to think that he might be bringing her there. That she gets to enjoy one grandma's food or go out to his other grandpa's farm and watch fireworks. Like we used to.

I know this is for the best. I know all the reasons and they are good reasons for both of us. It doesn't make it hurt less. It doesn't make me miss all the great things about us. It doesn't make me miss the fun, the silliness, being able to talk about anything, making plans, sharing my day with him, sharing my bed with him, sharing my family, friends, and life with him.

I know someday I will find someone else, but until then, it hurts.

a>

Today

Today I am angry, confused, lonely, sad, depressed, anxious, scared, missing you.
Why did you beg me to come back if you didn't want me back? Why did you make me work so hard at forgiving you when you were just going to give up? I was there you know... in a place where I was nearly ready to move on, ready to give up, but now, now I am in a more vulnerable place where I can't even lean on my anger. All I have now is love and love doesn't usually propel you forward. It just makes you long for what you had and what could have been :(

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zombie

I was a zombie for many reasons this weekend -
1) Benadryl and Nyquil medicating my cold that stole my entire beautiful-68 degree-Saturday
2) creepy motion photo taken at KU Natural History Museum on Sunday

coffee pot.

Mmmm, chocolate. Just had a small piece along with 4 tiny little nutter butters.
Good thing I worked out this morning.

Yes, I WORKED OUT THIS MORNING. It was nice actually. AND it snowed. I was a little late to work but I now know how much earlier i need to leave. I also should pack my bags the night before to speed things up.
If I do this all next week, next weekend I am rewarding myself with a programmable coffee pot.