Commitment to the end.

Commitment is a tough word for some people to grasp. Some people might be too immature or perhaps they have had a bad example in their life of the benefits of what a true commitment is. I know people who are age 22 and "get it", whereas some are in their 30's, 40's and 50's and just never seem to understand. I guess age really isn't a factor, its really too individual to each person to base it on that.

I am 30 years old, and I am still a little fearful of commitment. I am not ready to get married because of what type of commitment that requires. Even though I know that when you open yourself up to a person, you are opening yourself up for wonderful things, I can't seem to get over all the work it takes to maintain that. Mostly I am afraid of being the only person who will work for it and therefore I would be spinning my wheels and end up unhappy.

There is a guy I know, who is really afraid of commitment for some reason or another. Maybe its his age, but most likely, it either his maturity level or his not-so-great example of what a real relationship is. Maybe its mental disorder since he lacks commitment to a lot of things (he changes hobbies once a month).

He has this woman who loves him so much, and he says that loves her back, but he just has the hardest time dealing with the fact that he is in a relationship. He wants to be a free man but also wants to have the love of a relationship all at the same time. Um, yeah, very confused.

Relationships don't just "happen", sometimes you have problems you have to work out, sometimes you have slow times when things aren't so hot and heavy, but you stick together, do things together to increase variety, and enjoy those time of happiness and those times of excitement. A committed relationship is wonderful because you get love, support on good and bad days, real intimacy, most trusting sexual relationships, you can be yourself, share yourself, you build a history and you become family to each other. New relationships are mostly physical and are exciting because they are new and also scary. There isn't real intimacy, trust, or love and eventually, if that new relationship lasts it turns into a committed one and you are back where you started. So does a fear of commitment mean a fear of intimacy, trust, and love? Or maybe its just a fear of getting hurt. Maybe they are addicted to the high that new relationships offer.

So, here are the questions. Should she stay with him and see where this goes? Put the decision to stay or leave all in his hands and give up complete control. Or does she end it now and cut her losses? If she stays there is still hope of love. If she stays she might still have a few moments of happiness before a possible sad decision is made by him. If she leaves, she has the control to determine when she can pick up the pieces. I think she should give it one more shot. I think he needs to give their love a shot. Maybe he just needs to grow up. Maybe he needs professional help to get him through his issues.

That's just my thoughts though...I guess we will see where the road takes these two.

A day like so many others

That morning I got up early, ug, and got ready. I had to really dress up because my coworkers Danelle and Michelle and I were heading to Kansas City to have a focus group at the School for the Blind. The purpose of our focus groups was to identify behaviors in particular jobs, so we had a group of employees who were in the maintenance and trades group with us today.

I met my coworkers at work in the parking lot that morning, and we laughed and joked like we always did. Those two were a blast to work with. After loading up everything in the van, we headed out. It was a nice morning that day, kind of cloudy in NE Kansas, but not raining or anything.

As we were riding along, the radio announcer broke in and reported that an airplane hit one of the World Trade Center's towers. We were shocked, but figured it was a terrible accident. Then, the second plane hit, and we knew that something wasn't right. We were confused and scared. After we got to the facility we started setting up, the director came in and told us that there was reports of another plane that hit the Pentagon. I can remember feeling like I have never felt before. The anxiety inside me was incredible. We were all in complete shock.

Participants of our group started trickling in, and we all talked about what was going on. For some reason, I felt comforted that most of them were men. The HR director pulled in a tv on a cart and we witnessed the towers collapsing.

We started the group, but noone could focus, so we turned off the tv, but kept a radio on low. The people completed what they needed to do and it was soon lunch. We had over the course of the session learned of another plane had crashed in Pennsylvania. We decided that it was time to go and packed up our stuff.

The ride home was much less jovial and there was so much fear in the air. Gas stations had changed the prices of gas to over $5 a gallon. There were people lined up for miles out of complete fear. After seeing this, we just wanted to get home, where we felt safe, and we drove home quickly. I was so happy to be back home and see some familiarity. On the way home, we learned of the price gouging that was happening and we calmed down a little bit.

I went home that night, held my kids like never before, and watched every newscast they had. Its like if I kept watching it, I could experience it with those people and somehow, hundreds of miles away, be there for them.

I didn't personally know anyone that died that day. I, like alot of people, did know people who knew people. Today, I won't think of the terrorists, like I have nearly every day since then, I will think of the survivors and listen to the stories about those who died.